Forgive but Never Forget

Drustan

It was hard to accept, when your life was a lie, that the only way to solve it was to live it. He hated the fact that he was in this bizarre limbo between happiness and desolation and to give in to either side would no doubt ruin everything that had been built before him. He was standing on foundations of lies built by generations, he was nothing but the fruit of a tree planted long ago, and he hadn’t fallen far from it.

How then, could he make the decision to keep living the lie, and still blame others for theirs? What BóAnn had done had almost ruined him, but in hindsight, it was just another drop of water into the lake of deceit that nourished and maintained Glenmore. Her one drop had the potential to be the one that burst the dam, but every drop before hers would have been just as much to blame.

That dam still held strong, the Kingdom still stood, not washed away by a torrent of lies. How long had the dam stood, he wondered. How long had the Kingdom made its home on top of a precarious pile of sticks and stones and relied on its inhabitants to keep the dam from breaking by drinking from the lake and swallowing the lies before they became too great?

Sighing, Drustan shook his head. The wax-poetic way of thinking had been common as of late, and he oft had to stop himself before he became far too melodramatic. The short of it was, he could live in fear of what the lies could become if anyone discovered them, or he could do his very best to make sure that never happened.

His first port of call was to visit his first mate, BóAnn. The idea of his made his heart beat uncomfortably fast, but he knew it was the right thing to do. She had hurt him, gravely, but he would be just as bad if he left her to suffer alone. As his Princess, she was betrothed to him and just like Fenella, she had no one else. Perhaps he wasn’t the stag she wanted, but perhaps he could still be the stag they each needed.

Rut was wearing on, and most does and stag were settled comfortably for the season. Fights were lessening now that winter had firmly staked its claim on the Kingdom, and that particular snowy evening the glade around the Oak was eerily quiet. He made his way to where he knew he would find BóAnn, and dismissed his guards as they got close. There had to be no chance that they would be overheard, but thankfully there was nothing suspicious about a King wanting to be alone with his mate in rut.

The Prince and his sister were back at the Oak with their Aunt, so he found their mother alone in her thicket. Cautiously he stepped into the clearing, and swallowed to keep his heart from leaping right up his throat. Seeing BóAnn always did this to him without fail. A combination of fear, betrayal, guilt, and a hint of something pleasant that lingered stubbornly. He’d hardly seen her in the last year, and she’d matured further into her long legs and filled out with more curves from the bountiful crop of the summer just gone. He could not deny she was beautiful, just as he could not deny it still hurt him to see her.

“Bó—” He swallowed, aware that his voice was hardly as strong as a King’s should be. But then why should it be? This was a delicate matter, and he owed BóAnn as much truth as he could manage. “Bó,” he said again in a more confident but no less soft voice. “May we talk?”

BóAnn

Since the return of her sister, the new swan princess as some called her, she kept herself beside her.  Nearly protectively, she didn’t want her to run off again, or some crazed fawnling to come and try to hurt her for her crime.  Her crime, the same crime that she herself had committed nearly a year before, their mother must be so proud of her pale daughters.  Perhaps a crime that should have never been considered one, if a princess had a right to choose.

This day wasn’t the same, she couldn’t bring herself to stay at the Great Oak with her sister.  She needed time to think, to be alone with her thoughts, if only for a few hours.  Her sister helpfully offered to keep an eye on her little ones.  Rut was nearly over, most in the kingdom had begun to swell in fawn, ready to bring new life into the world.  Her mate had chosen to take the season off.  He said he was tired and had many fawns that needed his attention, or at least that’s what he would tell fawnlings in the kingdom that asked.  She knew the real reason, he couldn’t bring himself to take another doe, not after what she had done to him.  Her mistake hadn’t only caused her mate to suffer, her sister Fenella had always wanted children and this season again, she carried none.  A large family, was always the wish of many does growing up, to have many children to run and bounce around the glade.  It was especially significant for those that were born to produce kings and princesses for future generations.  Besides, what else good was a princess doe anyhow.  Now she knew that dream would be ruined for herself and possibly even her sister by her selfishness.

Most days, she could just pretend that he hadn’t decided to ignore rut.  She talked herself into believe that it wasn’t her actions that stopped him.  Her king loved his children, and know that, she knew he would want more.  She didn’t see him, not nearly as often as she suspected the kingdom found proper.  The fawnlings of Glenmore were beginning to talk.  Commoners would never say anything but she could see their eyes on her as she and her sister walked, not carrying future heir to the kingdom.  It was a princesses job to produce fawns, many that were betrothed to the king, didn’t take a season off.  Princess does had many to help with the care of their fawns, they were able if willing, to produce a new fawn seasonally.  Although many of them would take a break, it wasn’t common for an entire harem to do so at once.

On this day, a royal doe lightly asked in passing conversation if she and her sister Fenella carried a fawn this season.  Her scent faded away, it wasn’t a completely rude or unusual question.   She had been asked a few times over the season if she would, she was always polite and told them she choose to take the season off or that it was Drustan’s wish to be without a fawn this season.  But today, unlike days before, the question was like stabbing needles.  Not that she wanted a fawn this season, she had two lovely and strong fawns to finish caring for presently, one being the crown prince and in need of extra attention.  No, the pain was caused by the knowing that those two, would be her last.  She never blamed Drustan, her mistake was her own and never being allowed another child was her punishment.  She would have to learn to live with that.

Laying down, she curled herself into a ball, resting her head on her plush, blonde tail.  She concentrated on the feelings to help herself heal emotionally, something Nuala had been teaching her.  She laid thinking of things, trying to bring her mind to happier thought.  A light glow illuminated for of her skin as her magic began to work.  Her concentrations was quickly dropped when a familiar voice spoke at the entrance of her home.  No need to look, the voice was known, Drustan. 

“Bó, May we talk?”

She feared the worst as she rose politely to give her attention to her king, “Yes, my king.  You know you always have my attention.” She tried to force a soft smile, “What do you wish to speak of?”

Drustan

He fairly blanched at her expression. It was always like treading on eggshells, both of them acting the part to keep up appearances, and he was tired of it. “About us, about this, about the fact that you don’t always have my attention.” He stepped a little closer, the gap between them feeling like an aching chasm yet to try and close it felt almost impossible.

“I wanted to tell you...” He sighed, he’d run over this a hundred times in his mind and he still had no idea how best to say it. “I forgive you. What you did, it was not out of malice or hatred, it couldn’t have been more opposite. Love is... love is not something you can deny or resist. It’s not something you can control or stop or start on purpose. What you felt - what you feel - for Jackdaw is not your fault.

“When I found out, I... I wanted to blame you for everything, I thought I could make it your fault for betraying me, for not loving me. What became of your feelings... I can’t say I support you in what you did, or that I’ll ever forget what the consequences could mean for our family, but...”

He took a deep breath, and took another hesitant step forward. “You’re my betrothed, my first Princess, I can’t live with myself knowing that I’ve pushed you away and forced you to be alone. No crime is worth that punishment. I want... If you like... for us to start again. From the beginning.”

BóAnn

She nearly stepped back as her king approached her.  Not out of fear as it might look to an onlooker, had there been any, but out of respect. His words started, then paused with a sigh before speaking once more.

‘I forgive you.’   Did she hear that right? She had come to accept that he never would, nor would she blame him for it.  Her actions were unspeakable, she didn’t deserve his kindness.  If he were Donnaghán, she would have been with the gods on the other side by now.  Luckily, he wasn’t his brother and while many in the kingdom would look at that as weakness, she saw strength and compassion.  Qualities in any good, honorable ruler.

She leaned closer as he took a final step and continued his speech.  Her eyes were drawn to his before she looked down to her feet, “Drustan, I-” her voice caught in her throat for a moment, “I never said I didn’t love you.  I do care for you, very much. I was immature and foolish… selfish.  I didn’t stop to think about you or our son.  I couldn’t see what I had in front of me because I didn’t want to.

“All I could do was think that my life was unfair.  That I had no choice, I didn’t see that I had what many does in the kingdom wanted-  You.” She brought her eyes back to his, “You are a honorable king- a honorable stag.  Glenmore doesn’t - I don’t - deserve you.  I know my words don’t mean much but I’m sorry that I hurt you.  That you must continue to lie to protect me, to protect Aveline, to protect our son.”  She paused, “I would very much love to start over.”  Stepping nearer, closing the small gap between them.  Hesitantly, her eyes closed and she touched her nose to his. 

Drustan

The touch was electric, and he held it only briefly before pulling away. “It’s not a lie, Aveline is our daughter and if anyone ever questions that fact we will label them slanderous. I love her as much as any of my sons and daughters, and no one will ever take her from us,” he said firmly.

He caught and held her eyes, as difficult as it was for him to do so, and continued in his hushed voice. “Your words mean everything, Bó, I was too angry to accept them before but I do now. What happened... we must never speak of after we part this night. You must never speak to Jackdaw or Aveline of it, either. I don’t mean it to sound selfish, but keeping away from Jackdaw is imperative to Aveline’s and Han’s safety. I wish it could be different but... I can’t change the Law. Not all of it, not yet, and not quickly.”

He steeled himself to touch his nose to hers again, “I will protect you and our family to my last breath. I want you to be happy, and even though I can never mean as much as him, we can at least start from the beginning as friends,” He let out a soft sigh, their breath mingling, “And perhaps one day we’ll be more than that again,” He murmured, a shade of an old familiar smile in his eyes.

Word Count: 2270ish
Drustan:  1210ish
BóAnn: 1062